THE ULTIMATE CURE ...

... for all diseases except death!

Once upon a time, not that long ago, I was working for the Department for International Development in Pakistan. One recurring occupational hazard of such postings is the effect on your digestion -- specifically that you spend rather longer than you might wish contemplating the toilet!

It was during one such attack that a colleague introduced me to the 'wonders' of Amir's Kalonji Oil. It is hard to countenance that this admirable nostrum (advertising reproduced alongside) is not more widely known, as it is effective for an amazing number of conditions. The leaflet gives specific dosages for 23 complaints that are worth cataloguing:

"Nervous tension, Cough and Asthma, Sluggishness and Laziness, Activation of Memory and Quick Precipitation, Diabetes, Kidney and Bladder Stones, For a Pleasant Appearance and a Good Looking Face, Nausea and Vomiting, For the Prevention of All Diseases (God Willing), Inflammation of the Thighs and Groins, Heart Diseases and Blood Vessel Stenosis, Vitiligo and Leprosy, For the Elimination of Warts, Backache and Rheumatism, Headache, Acidity, Gynaecology (To Preserve the Child), Sexual Impotency, Loss of Hair, Eye Disease, Hypertension, Meningitis, Diarrhoea."

As if this comprehensive catalogue is not enough by itself, elsewhere in the literature, claims are made for Kalnji Oil's efficacy with regards to:

"Insomnia, toothache, hepatitis, worms ... and cancer!"

Offered a bottle of this wonder cure -- made, by the way, from Nigella seeds -- I was assured that this would solve my immediate complaint. My nausea and vomiting was specifically mentioned between 'looking good' and 'all diseases, God Willing'. Diarrhoea comes in just after 'meningitis'.

It is perhaps unfortunate that 'hangovers' are not explicitly mentioned, although Pakistan being notionally dry (despite having a state-owned brewery and distillery) we should perhaps not be too surprised. Mr Amir and his Kalonji Oil are too busy coping with 'all other diseases' to acknowledge the possibility of such afflictions.

It would be delightful to report that one spoonful of Amir's wonderful potion sufficed to remedy my complaint, but this final consummation of the story was denied me -- the potion was hideous to taste and, in a delicate state already, much more than I could stomach, literally!